Monday, July 9, 2012

-the dilemma of "modern" motherhood, pt.i-


The other morning I awoke from a long, blissful melatonin-induced sleep to soft rain drizzling...quiet house...warm bed...and then I remembered:


Unfortunately, this was not a Ryan Gosling-on-a-hot-day kind of dream. Oh no. Instead, we're getting ready for a wedding at a run-down beach house, and I walk into the other room to change and see a hospital bed, and I turn to the nurse, feeling odd, and she says, Congratulations, you're in labor!

I'm sorry?

And it's going to be a boy!

As I pace around the room with my arms over my head (clearly this helps move labor along?), I am suddenly overcome with a rising sense of fear and loss and panic, and I'm desperately looking for my husband---

we haven't picked a name yet!

---and my parents are there and completely overjoyed and ready to cheer me on, and all I can think is---

Wait, I'm not ready. This is all wrong. REALLY wrong. I'm not ready. I'm not ready, wait!

Talk about a great start to your day.

It's hard to be moving into your 30's and NOT be surrounded by people getting married, settling down, and having kids (heck, here at the Big Settle, we're two-thirds there).

In fact, a number of our close friends and family are on, as I call it, Round 2 (Congrats guys!). For me, it's been a double-whammy---not only does time officially seem to move faster than the speed of light, but we are trapped in wormhole between friends who are debating the merits of the Big Settle and those who are paving the way.

I guess this dream sums up the fear and confusion that surrounds the mystique of pregnancy and the awe over the super-mother faction. Can women actually have it all? What self-sacrifice is involved if we delve into the Big Settle? What does it mean to be a modern parent? What does it mean to be a good parent? If you can't 'do it right' is it worth doing??

Heck if I know. But it's important to ask the questions. Feel free to ask along with me because I'm going to try to break it all down into parts in the next few posts, if only so I can sleep a little sounder at night.