A TALE OF URBAN SUBURBAN SURVIVAL

Monday, June 11, 2012

-confessions of a first time puppy parent-

How time flies!


Wolfie is almost 6 months old, and we celebrated by getting his little manhoods removed last Friday (sorry, buddy). Our baby is growing up fast, and I feel the fountain of hilarious puppy stories slowly starting to dry up as he matures into an awesome dog.

So I'd like to take a moment and reflect on Wolfie's earliest days and our fight for survival. Let me just say, on the battleground for sanity, you must find humor in everything. Especially poop.

Sustenance:
"Hi babe, how was your day?"

"Good---well, besides that really early morning."

"Yeah, thanks for letting me sleep. Hey, you didn't feed Wolfie breakfast, right? Because I fed him when I got up."

(long pause)

"That porker's going on a diet."

Healthcare:
(talking to the vet)
"Soooo, to get a sample I either need to follow him around with a ladle or you break out the needle now? *sigh* Come on, Wolfie, let's go home. We'll stop by the kitchen on the way to your pee spot."

"Uh-oh, I wonder how far down he swallowed that outlet safety cover. Ha, some irony there. I bet he doesn't even have a---oops, there's his gag reflex."

Housebreaking:
"Hey buddy, wow you've really been a good boy with the potty training. Wait, why are you crouched like that on the steps?...Dammit."

(Watching from the door) "Do your business. Good boy! That's a good lookin' poop, buddy! Good boy...wait, don't step---awwwww GROSS! What is WRONG with you?? Wait, why are you lying down? Wait, don't scratch that ear, wait, WOLFIE NO!...Dammit."

Subsequent bathing:


Housecleaning:
"Oh, you just think me sweeping the house is a game, huh? Look at you, all excited, prancing around under my feet, nipping at the broom, cannibalistically snarfing up wispy fluffballs. By all means, enjoy yourself. Laugh it up fuzzball. Because one day you going to find yourself covered in Pledge and harnessed to a vacuum.


And finally, an ode to Sleep:

Ah, sweet morning.

'Twas made all the sweeter by the gallantry of the knight confining the Beast to the lower chambers. A peaceful quiet has settled over the land. Sleep that had once eluded me is finally within my grasp.

Wait. What is that fateful noise?

*tick tick tick*

No, it cannot be.

*tick tick tick*

The ominous sound of sharp claws padding up the staircase foretells of the Beast's approach. There is no escape from the Tower.

*tick tick tick*
(silence)

Does the Beast sense his Prey?

*snuffle snuffle*

Nary a breath escapes my lips for fear of the Beast's knowledge of my presence.

THUMP.

Alas, the Beast must smell my Fear, there is no escape! I await my fate---the cold, wet nose of the fluffy Monster about to rudely wake me from my bedchamber!

THUMP.

What's this? The Beast's attempts to rouse me from my slumber have been thwarted by the door's latch! Oh, happy day! I praise thee, door gods! I have avoided the horrors that lurk behind that very door and live to sleep another moment!


This post was brought to you by Puppy Love.